Cross-posted from Elfwood - Chapter 1 only.
Not going to go into plot etc. as from here I can’t really see enough to comment on it.
Fair enough. As their descriptions say, the first two chapters are really just a prolouge that mainly serves to explain why things are the way they are in later chapters, though there is a small hint to the main plot.
The first paragraph in particular - show, don’t tell! This paragraph does not draw the reader in, and that can be a big problem as many readers won’t keep reading if you lose them early on. The information here might be necessary, but some of it can come over time, and other bits would be much better if shown by behaviour or somesuch.
Hmm...now that I look at it, I have to aggre with you. I think I can get rid of that paragraph, change the 2nd one bit and combine the 3rd and the 4th. How about this?
The sound of splashing water echoed in the still air of the men’s room as Alex rinsed his hands off at the sink and hummed an upbeat tune. Looking at his reflection in the mirror before him, he took note of his unruly hair. He ran his wet hands through the wild black curls several times and tried to smooth them down a bit. After a minute or two, he stopped and inspected his handiwork briefly; his hasty attempt at grooming had at least made his hair somewhat more presentable, but he knew he was overdue for a trim. Sighing, he ran a hand over his stubbly beard. He had forgotten to shave that morning and the day before, but there was no time to worry about that now. Giving a shrug, he left the restroom and headed back to his workstation.
Meanwhile, Max Benson, one of Alex’s co-workers, was busy tapping away at his keyboard while he kept his eyes glued on the trio of monitors in front of him. He was a thin, balding man with pale skin that was a testament to the long hours he spent indoors analyzing data at his workstation. Both men worked as array operators at a radio astronomy observatory known as the Very Large Array—or "VLA" for short—but that’s where the similarities between them ended. While Max always came to work in a nice shirt, tie and khakis, Alex tended to dress as if he had just retuned from a tropical getaway, his normal attire consisting of one of the many Hawaiian shirts he owned and a pair of shorts. On top of that, he sported a mild tan and the physique of lifeguard. One look at their workstations would also show you the vast difference in personality between these two individuals. Max’s work space was a pristine picture of cleanliness and order, but Alex’s was a different story entirely, for he was never the kind of guy that would fuss over keeping things neat and tidy. Post-it notes with various things scribbled on them haphazardly lined the plastic frames around his monitors, and several folders and stacks of paper cluttered his desk in messy piles that weren’t arranged in any particular order. To top it off, the small trashcan on the floor near the workstation was nearly overflowing with rubbish.This would also eliminate the "you'd never know" line...though I don't see why a line like that would be a bad thing
Earlier paragraphs jump around a bit and do not connect well.
Could you explain what you mean by "jump around" and where you see that occurring?
Although you do use ’said’ quite a bit I think there are a few more times you could use it. Don’t worry about it being a "boring" word, it’s kind of like the word "the" - usually almost invisible to the reader. In lines like:
W-what the heck was THAT all about!?" he stammered.
The W-what shows the stammer and the nervousness, as does behaviour. To specify "stammered" is kind of unnecessary.
Maybe it's just me, but I think it would be kind of weird to say someone stammered without indicating it in the dialogue...at least a little bit.
Sometimes other words DO add things and are necessary, but IMHO other words are, in general (not so much in this specific case) overused.
There are also the sort of things that later drafts and final copies etc. can iron out but I’m sure you don’t want my nitpicking.
Do you mean in my story, or literature in general? If it's in my story, could you point out which words you feel I've overused? Someone left a comment on the 2nd chapter saying I had used the word "seem" quite a bit, saying "We want to know what is, not what might be." If he hadn't brought that to my attention, I probably wouldn't have noticed it.
From your reply to the first comment here (Elfwood) - beware the infodump o.o
I assume you mean dropping hints? I try to avoid that, but it's hard to resist sometimes
Overall, a pretty good start. I’ll have to read the rest later
Thanks for the feedback. It was quite helpful.
